Memory
by Infekcis
Summary: "Amuse me, little bird." Neji was yanked forward and harshly kissed before being thrown back onto the futon. M/M - Inc - N/C


The training grounds were silent, save for the shuriken hitting target. _Perfection._ Neji looked at them with a distant feeling of satisfaction. All these years he had strived to excel, relentlessly training, directing all his attention to his self-set ideal. _But when will I have reached this ideal? Never. It will never be enough._ He sunk down on his knees, not caring about the mud that smeared across his white tunic and angrily stabbed a kunai in the grass.

It was just millimetres away from his knee.

All his work didn't succeed in calming his mind, as it had done in the past. Now his mind was more often than not out of control, although all but one person would be able to see it. Only one person was able to yank that mask off his face and press him against the cold wall of pain and acceptance. And all this time, only one factor was constant. He loathed it, and still it was a nightmare he couldn't wake up from. Sometimes, although now a lot more seldom than he used to, he felt he couldn't breathe because it was so oppressing, so utterly painful.

Bitterly smiling, he thought of Gaara, now the Kazekage of Suna. Envy was what he felt as he remembered the shinobi's insomnia. Because for all the nightmares Neji had, the complete realization of thought when awake, actually felt better. Not in control, oh no. That was something he had given up on long ago. His mind and thought belonged to someone else. And so did his body. This body that could kill in seconds couldn't even protect itself. It was worthless.

He raised his head, loose chocolate tresses freely spilling over his shoulders and back and stared at the many stars littering the sky. Sometimes, he wondered what it would feel like, softly floating in the air, day after day. But then he always scolded himself. He should stop dreaming about the unrealistic yearning to get away from all the troubles he seemed to attract. _How long for? How long will this continue? Until I die somewhere on the battlefield?_ It had already lasted over half of his life. Should he really have these thoughts of 'salvation', that he would be freed of this? He shouldn't.

His heart didn't even miss a beat at the thought as it had four years ago, around the Chūnin exams. Long past the stage of denial he knew what was happening to him. He was accepting the fate he fought so hard against for such a short time in his life-span. It was eerie to be able to tell yourself exactly what was happening to you while another side screamed to fight it. The side of the latter was losing terribly. He had wanted to escape a few years ago but found he couldn't do it in a way he saw fit. Then it was probably better to not do it at all. In the end it didn't really matter. What's another year after fourteen already?

Someone was nearing and with his Byakugan he quickly identified the person. He remained seated on the dirty ground. No point in running after all. A cool, pale hand was placed on his shoulder.

"Hello, Neji-kun." Neji didn't turn around, simply bowing his head slightly in acknowledgment.

"Hiashi-sama." The hand found its way under the hem of his loosely tied yukata and softly stroked his skin.

"You should go inside." The choice of words appeared nonchalant but both knew it was far from that. Neji already stood up and was turned around and led back to the compound.

He thought back to the retrieval mission of Sasuke and the fight in which he had almost died. It was during his brief period of rebellion. He had felt nearly ecstatic during the fight because he knew this really was a life-or-death situation, no other fight before that even coming close, not even the one with Naruto. The reason for which he had fought and pushed himself to the edge of death had been his choice to make. He regretted to this day that Shizune and other medic-nin had been able to bring him back to life. Now it only served as a stimulation to push himself harder when on the battlefield.

As they neared the small apartment he had been granted on his eighteenth birthday, they came across several of the clan elders. Polite bows were extended, a smile on the elders' face. Neji knew what they were thinking and he hated them for it. Hiashi-sama certainly knew how to keep up appearances, treating his nephew as if he were his own son. No one had ever suspected a thing, all greedily believing what their first glance told them. _How ironic, coming from people all with advanced eyesight._ He shook his head, willing the spark of anger to go away.

Hiashi pushed his nephew into his apartment and locked the door behind him. The two rooms were bare save for the essentials. Nothing personal, not a single decoration on the walls. As to be expected from someone as Neji. The latter had already walked into the second room and started undressing. Perhaps to speed things up so it would be over soon, perhaps because it had become a part of their little routine. Hiashi rarely had to use force these days. And every night he responded to his nephew's actions.

"One might think you're eager for my touch," his uncle softly laughed. Neji continued undressing and sat down on the futon.

Hiashi stepped towards him, opening his pants and taking out his semi-hard cock. Neji knew without telling what to do and crawled up closer, taking the stiff organ in his mouth and richly covering it with saliva. That was all the lubrication and preparation he was going to get. Hiashi grabbed his hair, blocking any movement from Neji as he thrust his hips forward and slid his erection into Neji's throat. The boy initially made protesting movements with his arms but then simply settled them on Hiashi's hips.

"Get on your knees," his uncle said as he let his hair go. Neji took in a big gulp of air before submitting to the request. It caused him to be kicked in the ribs harshly. "Now." Even now he didn't have to use force to make his nephew obedient, he occasionally still liked these displays of his superiority.

Neji quickly got down on his hands and knees and covered his mouth with the blanket. He felt Hiashi's erection being placed in front of his asshole and braced himself for the searing pain that followed not a second after. Even though the pain had become standard in the last few years, it wasn't something to get easily used to. Before wounds had time to heal they were unmercifully ripped open again.

But it was what he probably deserved for being so weak. Hiashi had told him from the start that this was because of his weakness, that he had only reacted accordingly. Now, at eighteen, Neji knew it was a lie, but one he actually started to believe. How could he not after enduring this nearly every night and the additional taunts? He had fought and lost. The rebellious streak that had pushed him further a few years ago was being smothered by self-loathing and glancing in the mirror was now accompanied with a feeling of utter disgust.

Hiashi looked down at his nephew, seeing that supple, pale body moving with his brutal thrusts, the occasional whimper falling from those pale lips. And without even seeing them, he knew that those pale eyes had cooled down, the fire of before gone. He had led him to breaking point. And now it was his responsibility to make him fall. He placed a hand on his nephew's limp organ and started stroking it in time with his own movements. He knew Neji hated how his body betrayed him and that was why he liked doing it so much. Aiming for the boy's prostate, he revelled in the cries that followed. _What a fool you are. _

Neji was now fully hard and wished for this to be over. He could feel tears forming in his eyes and was glad that Hiashi couldn't see them in this position. The strokes came faster and he rocked his lower body in time, hating it but knowing from experience that if he came, it would all be done for this night at least. Hiashi let his other hand graze the rest of his body and he shuddered at the touch. One would think that after so many years and the intimate position he found himself in, he would be used to it but it made him think too much of a lover's touch or what he suspected was one. In the area of sex, this was all he knew and everything else based on things he had heard or even seen.

He was almost there and moved his hips slightly faster. His eyes were clenched shut as his orgasm washed over him. As much as Hiashi loved to humiliate his nephew by bringing him to orgasm, feeling those muscles clenching around his needy erection certainly helped serve the purpose. He let his head fall back as he came deep inside his nephew, softly grunting. Falling on top of Neji, he made eye-contact with him. He looked up at him with a look he couldn't quite decipher.

"Activate the curse-seal. Kill me." Hiashi chuckled as he breathed heavily, before standing up and cleaning himself off.

"Now why would I do that?" Neji crawled up to him.

"I'm weak, I'm a disgrace to the clan."

_So you really did start to believe the lies I have kept feeding you._ Hiashi looked at his nephew and saw that Neji meant what he'd said.

"I can't activate it. You haven't done anything to make me do so." He grabbed Neji's face between his calloused hands and stared at that young face that resembled his own so much. "Are you going to? Because it will be highly entertaining. Amuse me, little bird." Neji was yanked forward and harshly kissed before being thrown back onto the futon. Hiashi redressed and left without another word. Neji rolled up into a little ball, his mind already calculating, strategising.

[-]

"Hinata, Neji's being an asshole again! He doesn't want to come to Ichiraku's but everyone else is going!" Naruto ran up to the Hyūga heiress who started blushing and waving her hands in front of her frantically. Both their former teams, as well as Asuma's and Gai's often still got together to catch up on each other's life, even though it was rare everyone was present due to the many missions they were sent on. Shikamaru and Neji were the only ANBU, Neji captain of the team the lazy nin belonged to.

"Oi, Neji," Shikamaru hollered to his team-captain. It had been this way for a year now and the so-called lazy nin liked it that way. Neji was a skilled shinobi and hadn't stopped improving in all the years he had known him. He also didn't pose unnecessary questions and knew what their strategy would be just by assessing the situation ahead of them in mere seconds although he often sought reassurance in this particular field of Shikamaru. An ideal team-captain. But he could work on his social skills.

Neji looked at him, cocking his head, a silent 'what?' clear in his stand.

"Just come with us." Shikamaru noticed something in the other's eyes before it was quickly shielded again. He frowned but decided not to give it an particular attention. Neji looked away, before slightly nodding. He walked up to Shikamaru and sat down next to him, not saying another word. The Nara didn't pressure him into talking, enjoying the silence. They saw Naruto, being his hyperactive self as usual, bouncing around all the others and clearly eager to get his ramen until Sasuke hit him on the head. Neji sighed, wondering when those two would finally settle things between them.

"By the time they realise their feelings for each other, one of them has probably killed the other," Shikamaru drawled out slowly. Neji closed his eyes at hearing this. _They would be lovers… Hiashi's hand wrapped around his erection… His lips around his cock… Only a lover's touch should be that intimate… _

A hand settled on his. His eyes flew open and he saw Shikamaru staring at him with a worried expression. He looked down at their hands and opened his. He had made such a firm fist that he had drawn blood with his nails. The gaze with which he looked back at Shikamaru startled the other. Shikamaru had never seen Neji look so…clueless before. And pained. But nothing as a result from anything physical. The sense he had felt when looking at Neji had been so sorrowful.

Naruto bounced up to them, shouting that everyone was here until he noticed their touching hands and immediately grinned. "Aw, is someone in love? Neji and Shika sitting in a tree–"

Neji pulled back his hand, looking very confused and absent-minded. "I have to go," he whispered. He never looked Shikamaru in the eyes and simply left without looking back.

"What? Did I say something wrong? Oi Neji, there's nothing wrong with being gay, you know. I'm still your friend!" Typical for Naruto, he said everything at the top of his voice, alerting everyone in a ten metre radius. Shikamaru saw Neji's shoulders tense up and him bowing his head. Naruto turned to the Nara, with a mischievous expression on his face, but was startled when he was met with a furious gaze.

"You idiot. Couldn't you see that something was troubling Neji? Baka!" Shikamaru hissed in Naruto's ear. He walked up to the rest of the Konoha Twelve, all surprised at seeing the lazy nin pissed although rumours were already quick to start."Hinata, could you come here for a moment?" They went to stand apart from anyone else before he asked, "What's wrong with Neji? I've never seen him act so distracted lately." Being in a team with the Hyūga-genius, had learnt him a lot about the other's personality and he knew that it was something far from his usual self for Neji to be so absent-minded.

"I-I don't know. It just s-started a couple of weeks ago. I've asked and asked but… he just smiles and says that everything is fine. But he rarely ever leaves his apartment these days except to train by himself." Shikamaru nodded at her in thanks and started walking away, his strategic mind already excluding certain possibilities and calculating a plan. For Neji's sake he would find out, so he could give him a helping hand, perhaps a little push in the right direction.

Naruto walked up to him, with a guilt-ridden face but Shikamaru held on to his angry expression. He honestly was furious with the loudmouth for interrupting them and making things terribly worse by his exclamations. "Shika, you know…I'm really sorry for what I said."

Shikamaru lit a cigarette and inhaled deeply. "At this moment Naruto, I don't fucking care."

[-]

Neji hurried himself to his room, afraid that he would start screaming and slapping himself in front of others. It was all his own fault. After so many years, now he decides to start betraying himself in front of others? After fourteen damned years?

He nearly began to hyperventilate as he thought of all the consequences this would bring. _And the choices I may have to make…_ Of all the people in the world to suspect something, it had to be a genius. He knew that Shikamaru was perhaps quite bad in discerning emotions since he didn't care about them, but he was no fool in the area either. Hinata, he didn't even consider in his little calculation. She had lived all this time in the same house where his abuser lived and where the abuse took place. If she didn't suspect something now, she never would.

It would only be a matter of time before Shikamaru would approach him and breach the topic. And what would he say? No matter what he did, it would either let the abuse continue or make everything public. As he considered the last option his heart clenched and his throat constricted. What on earth was he even thinking of? Even with that tiny scrap of dignity he had left, he still couldn't bear the thought of everything being smeared out for everyone to know. _It's nobody's business! _

He retained some semblance of control and sat down on the window-bench, closing his eyes and briefly finding the soothing calm he desperately needed then. Shikamaru would drop it if he denied it. The incident was easily blamed on one of their missions, them leaving a greater impact than he suspected. It wasn't uncommon for members of ANBU. He shook his head, his hair freely flowing around him. If he had just reasoned rationally from the beginning, he wouldn't have lost control. If he had just remained calm.

[-]

He had placed himself on a bench near where he knew Shikamaru would often stop by. His w

aiting was quickly rewarded. It wasn't long before he saw that trademark ponytail appearing. Ready and go.

"Hey Shikamaru, could I talk to you for a minute?" Shikamaru shrugged, sitting down on the bench. Neji smiled at him, trying to make it look as sincere as possible. _I can't remember the last time I genuinely smiled._ _How absolutely pitiful._ "About yesterday…I was simply thinking about that ANBU mission we had three weeks ago. I just can't seem to let it go. I shouldn't have reacted so…coldly towards you and Naruto."

Shikamaru lifted an eye-brow. "And you came all the way across town to tell me that?" Neji had to concentrate on slowing down his breathing as he felt the other's attentive gaze on him.

"I was simply doing some groceries. I do live alone, unlike some." Shikamaru grinned, enjoying Neji's rare sarcastic side. He lit a cigarette, letting it dangle from his right-hand while casually draping his other arm across the backrest of the bench. Neji simply smiled to his team-mate but was inwardly becoming paranoid by the man's close proximity. It was much too close for comfort. Without looking too suspicious, he stood up hurriedly. "I have to go."

"Ah, yes, your groceries. Have fun with that." Shikamaru lazily said. Neji nodded, still with a smile on his face. The moment he was out of sight, he quickly masked his face into that cold persona the outside world knew too well.

[-]

Hiashi calmly walked into his nephew's apartment. Nothing could betray the fury he felt coursing through his body at what he had seen that afternoon. Nothing could betray that he would punish his nephew for his disobedience, in an unrivalled way. Neji would know where his place was. It was in his tightly clenched fist. Nowhere else. He would never escape.

Looking at the boy, resembling himself in so many ways, he took in the long glorious hair, the eyes that refused to meet his…the body hidden underneath those loose clothes. Soon, he would be touching that alabaster skin that shivers whenever he laid even the slightest pressure on it.

"Undress and then gag yourself." He held out a piece of cloth and saw Neji slowly standing up, hesitantly reaching it and then snatching it away. Bit by bit, more of that young and supple body was revealed to him. Even fourteen years of tasting him intimately nearly every night wasn't enough to satisfy his hunger for that delicious body.

Neji tied on the gag with shaking hands. _No point in running after all…_ He crawled back onto his futon, eyes never leaving where Hiashi's feet stood – never looking higher. After all, it was the only indication he ever got of what was to happen; the closer he gets, the more painful it becomes. He saw Hiashi dropping his clothes to the floor and getting closer. The next thing he knew, his hair was painfully grabbed as Hiashi harshly kicked him in the stomach.

"You really don't learn a lesson, do you? You ask me a me a mere week ago to activate your curse-seal, claiming you think you deserve to die. And yet, you still have enough self-worth to take it up the ass from that Nara, to look for someone that will accept you for who you are? Don't you think I saw you two on that bench, nice and cosy? I have always known you were a disgrace to the clan and every action you make seems only to confirm it." As Hiashi said it he kept kicking Neji wherever his foot would reach. The new bruises were already covering up the ones made in the last few nights. He let go of his nephew's hair and sat down on his knees on the futon, lifting Neji's chin so he was forced to meet his eye.

"Do you see now why I have to do this to you? It's your own fault, Neji. I wish I didn't have to do this, but you are forcing me to."

He could see in Neji's reaction that a part of him actually believed every word he said, every lie he could come up with. Even with the power he had, rendering him able to kill those of the Bunke, nothing would ever be able to compare to this; all that potential rendered to nothing. He lifted Neji and immediately shoved his cock in the unprepared hole, tearing open old wounds again and making Neji cry out, the sound muffled by the cloth in his mouth.

His erection was encased in a burning hot cavern. Another reason why he kept coming to Neji. The boy always was as tight as a virgin. Admittedly, he had loosened up some since the first time he had been penetrated. Hiashi would never forget that first glorious time he had his nephew moving under him. It indicated the beginning of their complex and painful relationship after all.

Neji finally looked up at him, eyes unusually frightened. He brought out the little present he had brought with him. Eyes changed from frightened to submissive, slightly glistening with forming tears. It had been ages since Hiashi had last seem him cry.

"You are forcing me to do this, Neji," Hiashi repeated as he held the knife in his hand casually. Neji didn't make a sound, but the tears did escape from his eye corners.

"After so many years, you make me do this. I thought my nightly visits were punishment enough. Why do you have to be so stubborn and 'rebel'?" He let the tip of the knife trace Neji's curse-seal, Neji not daring to move an inch. He could handle himself more than well in a fight with the enemy but in this situation, he didn't dare to fight back as he had a few years ago.

He closed his eyes to stop himself from seeing the knife so close. They flew open as he felt skin breaking near his abdomen. Not even able to cry out, he looked down and saw Hiashi scarring his flesh. "I suggest you stay silent. Wouldn't want the knife to slip." As Neji heard that, he was tempted to jerk around and let this nightmare –of which he was so acutely aware that it wasn't one – to be over. But he didn't, although inwardly cursing at himself. For someone with a supposed death wish, he did do his best not to get killed. He was a goddamned Jounin; he could get killed in the following mission if he chose to do so.

Tears kept falling from his eyes at the searing pain every time the knife drew a line and fisted his hair, trying to distract himself. Finally it seemed to be over. Hiashi leaned back on his knees with a satisfied smile, dragging Neji with him and thrusting in again. Hiashi let out a low moan, a lazy smile on his face, a clear indicator of how much he had enjoyed scarring his nephew. "Now you just wait for your surprise," and with that Neji was lifted and dropped down heavily on the man's cock, the action only serving to increase the pain in his anus. He let himself be used as a simple doll, too tired to do anything else. Hiashi didn't seem to mind as the man let out the occasional grunt or moan.

Every thrust seemed to open an old, unhealed wound but he never let out a sound. Not anymore. He had wasted enough tears for tonight. Hiashi yanked his hair, making Neji fall back on the bed and bent over him, grabbing his thighs and working himself to an orgasm.

As Neji felt cum filling his ass, he closed his eyes. Even after all he had been through in fourteen years, this moment would always be the one that brought him the most shame. It only emphasized the intimacy that should never have existed between them.

Hiashi pulled his softening erection out of his nephew and quickly wiped himself clean with Neji's shirt he found on the floor. He got dressed, all the while looking at his nephew who didn't even move. He looked so beautiful with his ivory skin, blotches of red around his anus and around his new 'curse-seal'. Perhaps now he will have learned his place for good.

As he straightened his yukata, he signalled Neji to get up, the boy obediently doing so, even though his limbs were noticeably shaking. _I hope you learned your lesson_, he thought as he untied the gag on Neji.

Hiashi grabbed his arm and dragged him to the bathroom by his arm. Neji blinked as the lights were turned on, black dots blotting his sight. _Please, just a minute longer… I just need to stay upright a little longer._

"Close your eyes, Neji." He immediately lowered his eye-lids, obedient as his uncle had taught him to be. Hiashi guided him slightly further into the room, in front of the full-body mirror, Neji knew. "Open your eyes," Hiashi whispered in Neji's ear, making him shudder. He slowly let his eyes open but as he looked at his stomach, he cried out.

There it stood, encrusted in blood and forever visible: YARICHIN. Even with the mirror's reversed image, it wasn't hard to discern the large letters. Hiashi hovered over his shoulder, looking at him with stern eyes. "Don't make me do this again." Neji could just look at his stomach in shock. For him, it seemed to be the ultimate confirmation that he was worth no more than being used as a fuck-hole. _I'm just that, nothing more…_

He spun around and retrieved a kunai from Hiashi's weapon pouch as fast as only an ANBU could before plunging it into his uncle's chest. Hiashi's eyes widened in shock before the man fell to the ground on his knees. _…and it's all our fault._

[-]

Shikamaru leaped over the roofs towards the Hyūga estate. He had known yesterday that Neji was lying and so, he would go talk to him again until he told what was happening to him.

As he entered the clan's estate, he looked for Neji's chakra signature and found it scarily fast. A trained shinobi only had such a clear chakra-signature when his emotions are- Shikamaru cursed to himself before storming towards the apartment. He banged on the door hurriedly, calling Neji's name. When he didn't get an answer, he tried to open the door that did so smoothly.

The smell of blood immediately hit him and he hurriedly closed the door behind him, following Neji's chakra. As he stood in the portal to the bathroom, he gasped.

Hyūga Hiashi was lying on the ground, a kunai sticking out of his chest and eyes fixed to the ceiling. But beside him lay Neji curled up in foetus-position, naked and holding his hand before his mouth to muffle the agonized cries that escaped his mouth, terrified eyes staring back at him. Shikamaru could see the dried blood around his ass and he inwardly cursed, throwing a disgusted look at Hiashi's stiff corpse. _He deserved more pain than an easy death._

Shikamaru grabbed a duvet from the bed nearby and stepped closer to Neji. The boy started to shake his head, tears now running down his cheeks, over the hand that still stifled his screams.

"Neji, I am not going to hurt you. No one is going to hurt you now. It's over. He's dead. He can't touch you anymore." All the while, Neji just kept shaking his head, the fear in his eyes being replaced by utter pain. "I promise you Neji that he won't hurt you again. And no one else will. Please, just come here. Come out of this room." Shikamaru took slow steps out of the room as he kept talking reassuringly to Neji.

To his relief, he saw Neji removing his hand from his mouth, no longer screaming and slowly stretching his limbs. It wasn't until he stood up that Shikamaru could read what was engraved into his skin. Shikamaru had to clench his teeth to not let his anger towards Hiashi show and potentially scare Neji. But if Neji hadn't killed him, he would have.

Shikamaru waited patiently until Neji had reached him, attentive to not do anything that would only make things worse. But it hurt him to see Neji like that. All of his strength had seemed to have left him overnight and he was reduced to this weak creature that flinched at every movement. This wasn't the Neji he knew. Neji was strong and never gave up. He wasn't this fragile. The moment he was close enough, Shikamaru slowly wrapped Neji in the blanket but had to react quickly to keep him from falling to the ground as his legs seemed to give under him. As they sunk down on the floor, Neji still in his arms, the man started to cry again but without a sound. He looked up at Shikamaru and simply cried. Nara held him, rocking him back and forth.

"How long?" Shikamaru asked. Neji took in a ragged breath.

"Fourteen…years." As Shikamaru looked at his captain saying it, he took in a deep breath himself. That was the first time he thought that maybe things wouldn't be okay.

[-]

Shikamaru watched, taking in every detail, not yet ready to have Neji open his eyes. The hand he was holding which once could have easily crushed his now was painfully thin and fragile and as he leaned forward, stroking the dark circles under Neji's eyes, Neji jumped back, awake and staring accusingly at him. Shikamaru smiled apologetically and leaned back in his seat, feeling tainted as he remembered Neji's glare. Neji thought he had been Hiashi.

"It's me, Shikamaru. You remember me right?" Every time he visited he would have to do this and every time it would take Neji a bit longer to remember him. Shikamaru feared the day that he would be completely forgotten because then it meant that Neji would be left with his nightmares. Even with the heavy sedation they kept him under, Hiashi never was completely gone for his nephew and it hurt Shikamaru to walk into Neji's hospital-room, seeing him crying out in his sleep, his thin figure burrowing under the blankets and fighting the restraints around his wrists and ankles.

"Shika-" Neji breathed with effort. Shikamaru knew he was battling a war inside his head for these few moments of clarity and he smiled gratefully, despite the tears welling up.

"Yeah, I'm right here." Neji squeezed Shikamaru's hand faintly, wanting to scream as he was already dragged under again, lost in memories that he didn't want to remember. He struggled every time Shikamaru came to visit and he was painfully aware that his efforts were seldom rewarded these days. He twisted his body, trying to keep his eyes on Shikamaru but the visions were already swarming in his vision. Were it still memories if they were real?

* * *

**Note:** Yarichin = male slut

Thank you for reading and reviewing.


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